


only there when I close my eyes

by Hellonightmares



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Gen, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Riley Matthews, and two, set in season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:36:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellonightmares/pseuds/Hellonightmares
Summary: When Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of that warm feeling she gets inside of her when Maya laughs at a joke she made and how good it feels to hold Maya’s hand. Riley assumed this was how you felt about all your friends until first grade when she met Farkle Minkus.





	only there when I close my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from flight of the crow by Passenger, if you want a sequel, let me know

When Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of summer days at the park on the swings trying to swing the highest and late nights watching movies and talking about things they couldn’t say to anyone else, when Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of that warm feeling she gets inside of her when Maya laughs at a joke she made and how good it feels to hold Maya’s hand, when Riley thinks of Maya she thinks of happiness and feeling free.

Riley assumed this was how you felt about all your friends until first grade when she met Farkle Minkus. She loves Farkle, but it wasn’t the same as Maya and she could never figure out why -or maybe she knew but just couldn’t admit it. 

She could never admit it to herself, but she doesn’t even know what it is, but now she’s on her first date with this really nice boy who looks at her like she’s everything he wants and Riley knows she doesn’t look at him in the same way.

And maybe it isn’t the right time to let her mind think these things but for the first time she’s letting herself think about the way Maya looks when she just wakes up and the way she’s smarter than she realises and other things not about Maya, like how the love interest in movies always seems a little more interesting and how girl bands seem more talented than boy ones and how when a girl at school was called dyke and Riley flinched and spent all lunch helping her clean her locker. Riley thinks about these things while Lucas is talking about having their moment and oh god she thinks she could cry because here she is finally letting herself think about these things and this amazing, wonderful boy is talking about the two of them.

She realises that that Maya has gone to talk to Josh and she seems giggly but also Maya and when Josh leaves Lucas notices and tells her to go to Maya which is so nice (isn’t that what she like about him). Maya pushes her to him again and she sees a faint hurt in her face that Riley really doesn’t have the time think about as she’s telling Lucas how glad she is that he’s her first date and she is even though she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. It’s like she’s taking back what she let herself think but Lucas is nice and handsome and her friend and she’s liked him all year so that doesn’t stop being true so she kisses him and it feels so wrong that she might cry.

When Riley gets home, her and Maya sit and talk for about five minutes (she tells Maya that her night was magical when really, she doesn’t know how it was) until Riley makes the excuse of needing to sleep and Maya goes home none the wiser to the war going on inside Riley’s head. She lies in bed for maybe half an hour willing her mind to stop and just fall asleep but when she realises that it probably won’t happen anytime soon she goes to the kitchen to get a glass of milk and comes back to make a list. Riley’s always liked lists, they help keep order and god knows does she need order at the moment. Riley starts to make a list but instantly she feels tired and only just makes it to bed before she collapses in a dreamless sleep.

Maya has been really good at not pressuring Riley but soon she starts to along with everyone at school, Riley can mostly ignore it but the worst is Maya who seems so genuinely happy for Riley. So, she goes for it, she blushes because she is embarrassed that they’re asking her about how she feels and she hold Lucas’ hand and wow she’s relieved when he also thinks it’s awkward but Riley can’t tell him that she’s pretty sure she’s the reason why it feels so stilted and wrong. It is nice talking to him, how she wishes that they weren’t a boy and girl so they could be friends without all the pressure because Riley thinks they would make excellent friends.

They agree to be just friends but Riley can feel his eyes on her and he looks at her like he wants more and Riley just can’t give him more. She almost tells Maya this but she doesn’t know what she would say so she keeps quiet.

 

“Hey, Riles” Farkle says as he enters Riley’s window

“Hey, what’s up?” She replies because except for Maya, people usually have a reason for coming over

“Nothing much, we just haven’t hung out in a while so I thought I’d pop over, you’re not busy, right?”

“No, Maya’s coming over for a sleepover later but nothing until then, I guess I should do homework at some point though”

“Don’t tell anyone but I usually do my homework on Sunday”

“Farkle!” Riley exclaims in a fake shocked voice as she gestures him to sit down on her bed

“I know, I know”

“Hey how are you and Smackle going?”

“Really well actually, I know I sound like a lovesick idiot but she might be it for me”

“No, you sound really cute, well maybe a little lovesick but it’s sweet”

“How about you? Any boys in the picture”

“No and there won’t ever be”

Holy frack, she can’t believe she said that, Riley had a plan. She was going to tell Maya and then her parents and maybe Auggie and then her other friends but wow it felt good to say.

“Like as in - “

She interrupts him “Yeah, I’m gay”

“Okay, that’s cool, you know I love you no matter what”

“Yeah, I love you too”

“This isn’t because of what you say but my dad is implementing a new family dinner thing so I have to go”

“It’s cool, I get it”

Riley sits there for a while just thinking after that, she doesn’t think it’s quite dinner time yet but she doesn’t blame Farkle because she would have no idea what to say if one of her friends came out to her and it’s alright because she knows that he loves her and she knows that all her friends and family love her even if they don’t completely who she is. Except that’s not it, like just because she wants to kiss girls instead of boys and just because they might not know that doesn’t mean they don’t know who she is. Like Maya knows all of her likes and dislikes and guilty pleasures and her mum knows her favourite meals and her dad knows that when she’s feeling sad she likes to dance in her room until she feels better.

Riley doesn’t think she’ll tell Maya today or her parents because that was stressful and it shouldn’t matter who she tells and when but it feels good to know that it’ll probably all be okay.

 

Two days later and Riley thinks she’s ready to tell Maya, so she invites her over for a secret sleepover (it’s a school night) and she spends all day worrying about it and even gets a question wrong in English because she was worrying about what Maya is going to say. She knows Maya isn’t homophobic but it’s different when it’s your best friend, or at least Riley thinks it would be, she hasn’t personally had any experience with it.

“Hey” Maya says as she enters Riley’s window

“You’re late” Riley replies with no real heat

“Yeah sorry I was helping my mum prepare for an audition that she might have an actual chance with”

“It’s alright, what role?”

“It’s a school teacher in some horror movie”

“That’s cool”

Yeah, yeah but what did you so urgently want to tell me?

“How do you know I wanted to tell you something”

“You told me that you wanted to”

Oh, right”

“So, I want to tell you something about me”

“What?”

“I’m a lesbian”

Maya instantly hugs her and Riley regrets not telling her sooner because of course she was going to be great about it, she’s the best friend in the world. 

“You know I love you no matter what” Maya says after they hug for a long time

“Yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you sooner, I guess I was just scared” Riley tells her, with only minimal crying

“Soooo”

“So, what?”

Maya says the next sentence with a grin on her face “Do you like anyone?”

Riley kind of wants to say her but instead she says “You remember that girl Chai?”

“yeah, she was pretty”

“Well she’s in my English class and we had a project together and I don’t know if she likes me but she’s really funny and cute and I really like her”

“Oh, honey I’m sure she likes you but if she doesn’t then screw her”

“I love you peaches”

“And I love you”

 

She thinks she might ask out Chai, she doesn’t know for sure that she’s not straight -but they have been talking a little recently and once when Riley asked her what music she was listening to, she answered with Hayley Kiyoko, so everyone knows what that means. She doesn’t know what this all means and she doesn’t know when she’s going to come out to her parents, yet she does feel god about herself and she thinks that maybe everything is going okay.

Riley’s been in love with Maya for what feels like forever, but recently it’s started to feel like she might not actually be in love with her anymore. She will always love her and they will always be best friends but Riley thinks she might be emotionally moving on -and wow, is she happy about that.


End file.
